Past life stresses

I would now like to talk about some of my past life. I’ll start when I was 4 years old. There were a few things that happened when I was that age. I was raped when I was 4 and my parents didn’t know about it until I was 16 when I told my psychotherapist about it and I then had to talk to a detective type person. I don’t know about my dad, but my mom doesn’t believe me, which makes my relationship with her even more stressful. I have PTSD from the rape as well as from other sexual abuse. Another thing that bothers me is when my mom told me that she was going to go to work and never come back because of me. That was also when I was 4 years old. She did come back from work, but our relationship started going downhill when I was 4. I tried running away from home at that age but it didn’t work because our neighbor was tending to his cows across the road and he saw me, so he took me back home. I know this next part will sound stupid, but I also tried killing myself at 4 years old by jumping off of monkey bars. Stupid, I know, but most 4 year olds don’t exactly think about suicide or the best way to do it.

When I was 9 years old I was molested nearly every day for 3 months by my step-grandfather. I was too afraid to say anything at first, but I eventually told my dad. After that he was always careful about leaving me at my grandparent’s house when my grandma wasn’t going to be home. Since I’m already on this subject, I might as well say that was was also molested and nearly raped when I was 18 and molested by 2 different people when I was 19.

At 16 years old, I also had some problems with my ex-boyfriend. He wanted sex all the time (anywhere from 5 to 10 times) when I spent time with him. When I told him I didn’t want to he would yell/scream, break things, throw things, punch things such as punching holes in his wall. When either his parents or mine would ask him about it, he would make up a lie and say that I said or did something to piss him off. Both sets of parents always believed him. So I eventually just gave in and let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. I never wanted to date him in the first place, but my friend thought it was a good idea for me to have a boyfriend and told him I said yes. I was way too nice and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I stayed with him. I even lost my virginity to him. He even lived with us for a couple of months because his parents kicked him out. All I ever tried to do was help him and all he ever did was use me. When I graduated from high school almost all of my graduation money was spent on him because he would demand things. I lost all of my friends when I was dating him and what didn’t help is that he wouldn’t let me have a life outside of him. I couldn’t even to to a girl friend’s house because we might talk bad about him or a guy might be there. The first time I tried breaking up with him was about 6 months into the relationship. He threatened to kill himself, so I stayed with him. Every time I tried breaking up with him he would threaten to kill himself. So I ended up dating him for 2 years and 8 months. After that he was in a mental institution for a while as well as a group home. He still tries to contact me nearly every day and leaves many messages that go back and forth between “I love you, I need you, etc.” and “all you did was use me, you’re a bad person, etc.” Sometimes he even shows up at my house and starts drama by screaming and telling lies. He even recently told my parents that my fiancĂ© brings drugs over to the house, which of course isn’t true, but my parents still questioned me about it.

Well, I think I have said enough for now and I will write again another time.

Nicole

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