If anyone ever reads my blogs you’ll notice that I haven’t written for a while. That’s because I’ve recently realized that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship with my fiancé. I had to do some thinking -can he change? If he doesn’t change, how will it affect our son? I finally told my case worker and psychiatrist the truth about how our relationship is. I also talked to my parents and now he can only see our son two days a week and he can’t spending the night anymore. So he only gets to see him 8 days a month. But so far my fiancé has been getting better with how he treats me, so I’m hopeful that he’ll realize what he might be doing to me and our son and he’ll change. Well, I think I’ve vented enough for now.
I would now like to talk about some of my past life. I’ll start when I was 4 years old. There were a few things that happened when I was that age. I was raped when I was 4 and my parents didn’t know about it until I was 16 when I told my psychotherapist about it and I then had to talk to a detective type person. I don’t know about my dad, but my mom doesn’t believe me, which makes my relationship with her even more stressful. I have PTSD from the rape as well as from other sexual abuse. Another thing that bothers me is when my mom told me that she was going to go to work and never come back because of me. That was also when I was 4 years old. She did come back from work, but our relationship started going downhill when I was 4. I tried running away from home at that age but it didn’t work because our neighbor was tending to his cows across the road and he saw me, so he took me back home. I know this next part will sound stupid, but I also tried killing myself at 4 years old by jumping off of monkey bars. Stupid, I know, but most 4 year olds don’t exactly think about suicide or the best way to do it.
When I was 9 years old I was molested nearly every day for 3 months by my step-grandfather. I was too afraid to say anything at first, but I eventually told my dad. After that he was always careful about leaving me at my grandparent’s house when my grandma wasn’t going to be home. Since I’m already on this subject, I might as well say that was was also molested and nearly raped when I was 18 and molested by 2 different people when I was 19.
At 16 years old, I also had some problems with my ex-boyfriend. He wanted sex all the time (anywhere from 5 to 10 times) when I spent time with him. When I told him I didn’t want to he would yell/scream, break things, throw things, punch things such as punching holes in his wall. When either his parents or mine would ask him about it, he would make up a lie and say that I said or did something to piss him off. Both sets of parents always believed him. So I eventually just gave in and let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. I never wanted to date him in the first place, but my friend thought it was a good idea for me to have a boyfriend and told him I said yes. I was way too nice and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I stayed with him. I even lost my virginity to him. He even lived with us for a couple of months because his parents kicked him out. All I ever tried to do was help him and all he ever did was use me. When I graduated from high school almost all of my graduation money was spent on him because he would demand things. I lost all of my friends when I was dating him and what didn’t help is that he wouldn’t let me have a life outside of him. I couldn’t even to to a girl friend’s house because we might talk bad about him or a guy might be there. The first time I tried breaking up with him was about 6 months into the relationship. He threatened to kill himself, so I stayed with him. Every time I tried breaking up with him he would threaten to kill himself. So I ended up dating him for 2 years and 8 months. After that he was in a mental institution for a while as well as a group home. He still tries to contact me nearly every day and leaves many messages that go back and forth between “I love you, I need you, etc.” and “all you did was use me, you’re a bad person, etc.” Sometimes he even shows up at my house and starts drama by screaming and telling lies. He even recently told my parents that my fiancé brings drugs over to the house, which of course isn’t true, but my parents still questioned me about it.
Well, I think I have said enough for now and I will write again another time.
Im going write a bit more about my current life and some of the things get stress me out or sadden me.
One thing that saddens me is that I have no friends. It kind of depresses me when I see on Facebook all the people gathering and having fun because I’ve never done that and I won’t be able to either since I have no friends to hang out with anyway. The only person I go see is my fiancé’s mom. The people who I once thought were my friends either don’t talk to me anymore, make fun of me, or talk bad about me to other people.
Something that stresses me out is money matters. I have no access to my own money because my mom is my rep payee. So if I want to buy a bottle of soda, for example, I have to ask my mom. I can’t write checks, sign checks to deposit them, or use my debit card. I wish I could spend money in myself, like buying a movie every once in a while or something. But the money I get from social security is just about all spent after my bills and expenses are paid. My fiancé lost his job in April 2011 and has been putting in many applications. Child support required him to put in 20 a month, which was hard since he lives in a smaller town and didn’t have a working car. The car now runs and he has a temporary job through QPS, both of which just happened last week. He only works if the place is in need of an extra person, but it’s a start. What made it even more difficult for him to get a job is because he never graduated from high school and has a learning disability. He was going to try for his GED but after he took the test to see how far he was educationally, they told him it would probably be pointless. That’s because he was at a 2nd grade level on spelling, math, and comprehension skills. The other subjects weren’t very far ahead.
Another thing that has been stressing be out is that I have been trying to sell all three of our engagement and wedding rings so I can pay back the near $1,500 that I owe my cousin. I have tried putting the rings on Craigslist with no luck as well as putting up ads in stores and asking people on Facebook if they know anyone who is looking for rings. At this rate I highly doubt they will get sold, which makes me worry that my cousin will sue me or something if I don’t pay her back in the few months I have left to pay her.
Well, those are some things that have been stressing me out and saddening me. I just hope things change soon even though I doubt they will.
Today I would like to talk a bit about my current life since it won’t take nearly as long to talk about as my past life. I am 21 years old an I am engaged to a man named Will and I have a 9 month old son named Connor. Without them I would most likely be dead, which I will explain in a later blog. Connor and I live with my parents while Will lives about half an hour away. I have lost all of my friends, but I never really ever had any real friends to begin with. I am doing better than before in some areas of my life but I can only get so far in life with what I have right now. I still have a lot of stress in my life and it makes my life very difficult, but there is nothing I can do to change it right now. I don’t have a job, but I can’t really get one, either. I am considered totally disabled as well and receive social security because of it. That is the only way I can pay for Connor’s needs. If I didn’t have that, i would have been forced to give him up for adoption, which would have devastated me. I was lucky, however, and started receiving social security when i was 4 months pregnant. If you are wondering why my parents wouldn’t be able to help financially if I wasn’t receiving benefits, my answer is because they cannot afford it, either as the only income they have is my dad’s social security since he is also disabled. They are also struggling to pay bills and even keep the house because they get so little. Each month, they have to choose which few bills will be paid and which will have to wait. They are also over $100,000 in debt. Hopefully that cleared it up. But as I said, I got lucky. Well, I believe I have said enough for now and I shall write another time, tomorrow perhaps. We shall see.